Pre-ECT

My life thus far has been pretty shitty. I was an awkward kid with few friends, with bursts of anger, violence and crying."It's a phase, she'll grow out of it" they said. But I didn't. It only got worse. Harder to hide, harder to keep in control. In high school I was bullied. In college I had fits of rage, tried to hurt people, broke things. Finally in grad school I went to the campus clinic and saw a psychiatrist who put me on medication for the first time. That first week was euphoric. It was like floating on pixie dust. Everything around me was slower, a little blurry and had a golden dusty halo. Things went on like this for awhile. When one medication stopped having an effect they would switch to another, and then another. They would add a second one to "boost" the first one's effects. On and on - I gained weight, lost weight, got nauseous, had headaches. But this is what it took to be "normal" right?

Then I got married to a man who had some medical knowledge. In the end, he turned out to be a narcissist who knew how to manipulate the system. After adopting our two girls from overseas, my life became very stressful, and not in a good way. The girls were broken. One of them very much so. My ex-husband hadn't wanted the girls in the first place, and now it was infringing on his lifestyle. He needed an exit strategy. He was already cheating on me, so why not have me involuntarily hospitalized to get me out of the way for awhile and get some solid documentable dirt on me for when the time came to carry out his exit plan?

Well that's what he did. I was hospitalized, put on more meds, made to feel ashamed. I was told I abused my kids. My kids were brainwashed to believe the same. Then he took off, took the girls, and gave me 30 minutes to get out of the house. I drove to Florida, the only place I could go, crying the whole way, thinking of ways to kill myself. He took the girls not because he wanted them, but because I wasn't working and if we legally split he would be ordered to pay child support. The girls were old enough that he could put up with them for a few years, as long as it protected his bank account. He didn't plan on "parenting" them anyway.

My kids were turned against me, I was living in my old childhood bedroom, with no money and no job. My parents were very supportive, and to their credit they have always tried to be. Their only shortcoming is their lack of understanding and knowledge.

When a family member has seizures, cancer or diabetes, usually family helping care for them learns about the disease, the symptoms etc, to better care for the person. They learn to understand that the sick person is NOT doing this on purpose and it is not personal, and they learn how to properly help the sick person without making them feel worse. Sadly, this has not been the case, though they seem to have been trying. I guess it's just a tough think to "get" if you were always taught to believe mental illness is a choice, not a real illness. That telling me to "stop acting like that" will solve it all. Like I'll just stop and go "ok" and it will be fixed. The brain is an organ like any other organ in the body - like the heart, the lungs, the liver. When it's broken and isn't working properly, there are symptoms and hopefully treatments.

Well, I've been on medications and therapy for 14 years. I'm still having swings, still depressed, still have irritable outbursts of anger. It's not working. I'm miserable. How much of it is situational? I really don't know.

The one true love of my life - a guy from middle school who I reunited with after the divorce for a few months - also had bipolar, went off his meds and cheated on me with a nurse at the hospital he worked at. He got her pregnant and married her. Now I just found out they had a second child in May. So there goes that hope. I don't think I will ever be as happy with any man as I was with him. This is very depressing to me. All I ever wanted was a loving husband and sweet children to dote on. Was I so horrible in a past life that I deserve all this? I now know I will never get him back. That makes me go further into depression. A piece of hope is lost. She is having my babies, she has my husband. She has my home and my life. I've known him since we were 12. I took a saw to the skateboard he bought me yesterday when I found out about baby #2. It was a $200 skateboard. I plan on finally throwing out everything he gave me. I've held on to it in hopes I would run in to him at the beach and he would see me in something he bought for me. Apologize, tell me he only married her because he got her pregnant in an unmedicated stupor.

So here I sit. Parents who think I am some sort of monster who is acting this way on purpose, so hey, let make it worse by letting our own anger get in the way and yell at her and confirm her fears that she is unloved and alone. Then I have a self centered selfish daughter who knows I am going through all this, and know I would do anything to help her get ahead, and HAVE - fixed her high school credits after her dad fucked up her education, got her driver's license, get her first car, helped her get college scholarships, took her on college tours. She decides the perfect moment to pull a selfish childish, but very dangerous stunt is the week before my ECT. She is too impatient and too materialistic to wait until we can work with my dad to get her a better car before fall semester. She starts looking online - we see she is looking at Lexus and Mercedes - we try explaining that those are not realistic goals, and we will help her get a better car. We work on her car for free except parts to ensure she HAS a car to drive. She goes to these shady local dealerships under the high way overpasses, and signs a car loan for $11,000. How she got approved I have no idea. She makes $9 an hour working maybe 24 hours a week at a smoothie shop. So now I have a extreme stress trigger.

Add on top that I am in a "romantic" that relationship that has no romance. His job at a night club comes before me, always. He drinks excessively - even his parents have done interventions with him. I really think he wants to be alone for the rest of his life. All of his friends are married and have kids and houses. He doesn't want to have sex, ever. We go 4-5 months with no sex. And when we do have sex, it's mechanical and has no pleasure at all. I stay because he's predictable and safe. Without him I would be homeless. I stay because I love his parents, and my parents love him. I guess many arranged marriages are like this. I stay because I want to make sure my ungrateful daughter has a stable place to live. I don't know if she understand how ashamed I am that we had to live with my parents, that we lost the apartment when I lost my job. That she can't count on me. Maybe that's the reason for the car fiasco? She doesn't think she can count on me. Maybe it is my fault.

I have another daughter, who I haven't seen in 3 years. I don't even recognize photos of her anymore. She is on drugs, has no job, dropped out of school twice, has an 8th grade education, dating a drug dealer, and has more tattoos and piercings than I do at 35. She is not being parented. My ex and his new wife (wife #5 btw) have completely cut me out, refuse to tell my anything about her, refuse to let me see her and have convinced her I abused and beat her. Now she is convinced that her sister who lives here betrayed her, her only "blood" by living with the "traitor"- me. This daughter is about to turn 18. She is lost to me now I think. Nothing I can ever say or do will ever fix her brain. She needs full time hospitalization for her FAS, RAD, ODD and ADHD. She has been arrested and evaluated, but no one will hold her feet to the fire and make her be accountable. No one will force her to do anything. So they ignore her and let her go off the rails and ruin her life.

I am very grateful for the support I've gotten from my friends from afar. From my middle school BFF Jenny, who unlike anyone in my close family, actually DID RESEARCH AND ASKED REAL SPECIFIC QUESTIONS, about this treatment. My friends Jane, Megan, Kelly, Stephanie, and Dee. I don't know where I would be without you. Probably in a ditch somewhere. The facebook people who many I've never met in person, but through support groups like Adoption PTS, I have been able to hold on to my sanity thus far. The relief to talk to other people who TRULY UNDERSTAND you is so empowering.

And so, I embark on this adventure. Tomorrow at 5:30 am I will enter the hospital for the first of 12 treatments - done MWF all at 5:30 am - over the next few weeks. According to medical journals it has a 80-90 success rate in reducing symptoms so that no more medication is ever needed. My insurance is covering it, thank you God, and thank you Obama for making it possible for me to have healthcare even when I don't have a job and that it is affordable (87 cents a month premium, period). I pray that this will cure me and I will be normal, whatever that is. I know these situations will still be here when I come out of the dark cave into the light as Plato described in his cave allegory, but hopefully I won't have this handicap holding me back from dealing with them in a productive manner.

I hope I can find a job that pays me enough money to get a studio apartment with 3 cats. That I can repair my relationship with my beleaguered parents who in the end have truly stuck with me through all of this, even though most of the time they didn't know what to do. Maybe I can find happiness at last. I will try to get photos of the treatment for the curious, and I will make posts after each treatment, who it felt, side effects, how my symptoms are doing. They will be shorter than this post, but I needed to get this all out there. My situation is not textbook, it is not simple, it is not any one single thing you can point to and say "ah-ha!" that's the problem. So I hope this only informs my family of my progress, without offending them too much, and provides some hope for people out there going through something similar. Blessed be and God Bless.