Past the half way point

Tomorrow will be treatment #9. People usually feel different and a little better after treatment 3... I feel worse now than when I started all this . I sleep all day, I say mean things, I don't eat. I still want to curl up and die somewhere. 

And now I get a call from the hospital finance department wanting me to settle my account - after I was assured at intake I could break up the copay/coinsurance over a year. My part of the cost is $1200 and change or so. Seeing as how I had to quit my job to do this treatment, I don't have any income coming in, and there is some issue with my unemployment money that I need to call about. So, there goes my trip to Georgia horseback riding. I just don't have the money.

Seems like everything is about money these days. Katie blowing all her money on a shiny new car that she can't afford, Ernie working all these hours at the night club to earn extra money. Thing is - he doesn't need the extra money per se - he buys expensive watches, Universal Studios annual passes etc. I would rather have him home.

So, I'm scared. Dead scared. ECT is NOT working for me. Elodia, the head nurse, said sometimes it takes til the 11th or 12th treatment to show effects, that it is cumulative. I pray that that is the case with me. Because otherwise, I don't know what I will do. I can't handle being this sad all the time.

I described it to Ernie and my mom this morning as if my soul was dying, but my body was staying alive. My body was this hollow, empty vessel, with no light, no life, no soul inside of it to give it purpose. I think this is because I am (and don't laugh) a giving person. I love helping people. I volunteer, I adopted kids, I am always one of the first people to help a friend out moving or with a ride. I think I gave parts of my soul to people, and these people mistreated them, crushed them, shit on them. And now.....I just don't have the energy to give anymore. I'm too scared.

The only people who have been there my whole life and continue to be there are my parents. I know it hasn't been easy for them, but they haven't wavered.

But my ex-husband, Damian, my daughter Marina, and now my daughter Katya..... all betrayed me. All took that piece of soul I invested in them and stomped on it.

I don't think I will ever trust easily again. Unfortunately, Ernie will suffer from this. I demand a lot now, and he just isn't willing to give. So, we will both likely end up alone.

I just hope this job interview on July 01 works out. I need to prepare and read and just be the best I can for the interview. Maybe then, life will begin to even out.